Guided by Her Light

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who we actually are.

Not who we are as mothers, wives, daughters, friends, employees, or partners. Not who our parents raised us to be. Not who someone else needed us to be.

Just…who are we?

And more importantly, do any of us actually know?

When I first got divorced and started realizing how much of my adult life had been wrapped up in being a wife and mother, my immediate thought was that I needed to get back to the person I was before my relationship.

There was just one small problem with that plan.

I was a teenager.

Apparently returning to my pre-relationship self would involve questionable fashion choices, very little life experience, and probably some hair decisions that should remain safely in the 90s.

So obviously that wasn’t going to work.

That’s when I started realizing that maybe I wasn’t trying to find my way back to myself at all.

Because I don’t know that I’ve ever actually met this version of me.

I went from being someone’s daughter to becoming someone’s wife. Then I became someone’s mother. And becoming a mother changed everything.

I used to tell my ex-husband that sometimes I missed being selfish. He would look at me and say, “Did you just say you miss being selfish?”

Yep.

I did.

Because once I became a mother, I would have done anything for my kids. Sacrificed anything. And honestly, I still would.

But somewhere along the way, I think I started confusing having needs of my own with being selfish.

And those aren’t the same thing.

I’ve spent most of my adult life considering how what I do will affect someone else.

What will my kids think?

Will this hurt someone?

Will someone be disappointed?

Will this make someone uncomfortable?

Am I being selfish?

And lately I’ve started wondering whether I’ve spent so much time considering everyone else’s needs that I’ve forgotten to ask myself a few questions.

What makes me happy?

What do I enjoy?

What do I want my life to look like?

Not because the people I love don’t matter. They do. Their feelings matter to me tremendously.

But I think it’s possible to love your family, enjoy the life you’ve built together, and still reach a point where you realize there’s more about yourself you’d like to discover.

And then I started wondering how much of this is a woman thing.

I sometimes look at men and think they seem to have a stronger sense of who they are outside of being husbands and fathers. Maybe that’s completely unfair. Maybe they’re sitting somewhere having their own identity crises and just aren’t talking about it.

But it does make me wonder how many women reach a certain age and suddenly realize we’ve spent decades defining ourselves by the people we’re taking care of.

Wife.

Mom.

Daughter.

Friend.

Caregiver.

And then somebody asks:

Okay. But who are you?

Well, shit.

Give me a minute.

And just for fun, throw depression into the middle of an identity crisis and try figuring out which parts are actually you.

Good times.

The more I’ve thought about it, though, the more I’ve started questioning the question itself.

Because who would any of us be without the influence of other people?

Our parents shape us. Our relationships shape us. Our children shape us. Friends shape us. Love shapes us. Heartbreak shapes us. Loss shapes us. Even people who are only in our lives for a short time can leave something behind.

And I believe people come into our lives for a reason.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe my life is in God’s hands, including the parts of my story I never would have chosen for myself.

That doesn’t mean my mind never wanders into the “what ifs.”

I can’t change decisions I’ve made. I can’t go backward and take a different road just to see where it would have led.

But apparently nobody told my brain that because it still likes to take the occasional field trip into the land of what if.

What if I had made a different decision?

What if I had done something differently?

What would my life look like now?

Who would I be?

I trust that I’m exactly where God has me. That doesn’t mean my mind never wonders what life might have looked like if I’d made different choices.

I can wonder “what if” without questioning Who is guiding me now.

And every once in a while, something happens that makes all that reflection worth it.

I can look backward at a person who came into my life at exactly the right time and suddenly understand why they were there.

Sometimes I couldn’t see their purpose while they were in my life. Sometimes I definitely couldn’t see it when they left.

And then years later…

The lightbulb goes off.

Ohhhh.

Now I get it.

Those are my favorite reflection moments. The ones where Reflection Department actually does its damn job.

I believe God puts people in our lives for a reason. I don’t think that necessarily means everyone is meant to stay forever. Maybe some people are part of our story because of who they help us become.

And maybe that’s why asking who I would be without everyone else’s influence isn’t really the right question.

I wouldn’t be me without some of it.

There are things my parents gave me that I want to keep.

There are things I learned from almost 30 years together and almost 20 years of marriage that are part of me now.

There are things motherhood gave me that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

There are people who came into my life for a season and left me with something I needed.

There are also parts of myself that got quieter over the years.

I’d like to hear those again.

There are things I’ve believed about myself for so long that I’m starting to wonder whether they’re actually true.

Those might need another look.

And there are probably a few things that need to be ripped down to the studs.

Under construction, remember?

I spent so much time wondering how to get back to the woman I was before my relationship that I didn’t realize something.

I had never actually met the adult version of myself on my own.

She didn’t exist yet.

I’m meeting her now.

And maybe that’s what I’ve been getting wrong about “finding myself.”

I’m not looking for some woman I lost years ago.

I don’t need to become the teenager I was before my relationship. I don’t need to stop being a mother. I don’t need to erase almost 30 years of my life or pretend the people who influenced me didn’t matter.

All of those things are part of me.

Maybe the work now is figuring out which parts of myself I want to carry forward.

Keep that.

That needs some work.

No idea who installed that. We’re ripping it out immediately.

And this?

This is new.

Maybe we never completely figure out who we are. Maybe we’re not supposed to.

I’ve always believed that when we stop trying to become better, we stop growing. So maybe none of us is ever really finished.

Maybe we’re all a little under construction.

And I believe God has the blueprint.

I may not always understand what He’s building while I’m standing in the middle of the construction, but I trust the One holding the plans.

“…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
— Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

I still don’t know exactly who I’m becoming.

But I’m starting to realize I don’t need to go backward to find her.

I don’t need to know what would have happened on every road I didn’t take.

I just need to keep paying attention to those little lightbulb moments along the road I’m on.

The people I love can matter tremendously. The people who have been part of my life can influence me, teach me, change me, and leave pieces behind that become part of who I am.

But maybe finding myself isn’t about figuring out who I would have been without them.

Maybe it’s about figuring out what I do with everything they left behind.

I’m still a mother. I’m still a daughter. I’m still a friend. I’m still all of the things life has made me along the way.

And I wouldn’t trade those parts of myself for anything.

But somewhere in there is also just me.

I’m still getting to know her.

I’m learning what makes her happy, what matters to her, what she wants out of life, and which parts of herself she wants to carry into the future.

I don’t need to erase my past to discover who I am. Every person, every experience, and every chapter has helped shape the woman I’ve become.

And I believe God is still working on the woman I’m becoming.

She’s still under construction.

And I’m looking forward to getting to know her.